Kevin, 35: Islington wasn’t always this bad.

Kevin, 35, loves to reminisce about the glory days of Islington. “Back in my day,” he’ll tell you, “things were just better. You had to earn your place on the playground. If you didn’t own a football, well, tough luck. You made yourself useful or you watched from the sidelines, learning life lessons the hard way. Now? Pfft, kids just waltz onto the pitch like they own the place.”

For one unforgettable summer, he was the only one in his crew with a ball. It was pure power—if Kevin didn’t fancy a game, the ball magically “was gone,” and that was that. He’d only play when the weather was blessed—never in the cold, rain, or dark.

But then, trouble hit. Things got complicated. Technology happened. The council, in its quest for “relentless inclusivity,” started stocking every field with footballs and bibs—free for the taking, as long as you had a phone and returned them through some app. Kevin’s foolproof excuse vanished overnight. His mates would shout, in the most annoying voices, “No ball? No problem, innit!” as they dragged him into games, no matter the weather. It was as if the universe—and some overambitious politician—had personally conspired against him.

Today, Kevin has found solace in fatherhood, with even less interest in football. “They run around for 90 minutes and—hold your breath—nobody wins!” he chuckles. The chaos of kids at home gives him the ultimate excuse to avoid any type of activity. “Sorry, gotta look after the little ones,” impersonating himself with a smile. His wife doesn’t nag him about it either.

But it isn’t all good. Kevin, ever the nostalgic, can’t help but point out other things that have “gone downhill” since his youth. “You know, there was no inflation back in the day,” he says, with an air of authority. “A packet of crisps? 20p. A loaf of bread? Pocket change. Now? You need a second mortgage just to buy lunch.” He sighs, shaking his head at the state of things. “Everything’s gone mad.”

What about the future? His biggest worry is for his kids. “They’re growing up, and soon they and all their friends will have phones. They’ll get pulled into these activities, just like I did. Not sure how to counter all this technology, but you can only do your best as a father, and that’s what I’ll do”, he ends with a warm hopeful smile.